is this the moment i feared for three years

as I wake to an empty house at twenty past six
and the fucking sun is shining as to mock the arms off my body
and i bang my knee so very hard on the corner and fall-half-crawl and the screaming sound is me, it is me, it is me still with some grasp on here and now and i get to the window somehow.

the car is still there
the car is still there
the car is still there

where are my children? 
Where have they gone, and now I have to clean up here too
because there is black mildew around his window and a man smell.

he has left a calm calm note, so thoughtful and grownup
                                 gone to the library, get yourself on the council list before I get back

but it is twenty two minutes past and
why has he gone to the library because
it is not open yet and

 Ro has such small feet and he has left his blue shoes here so he must be wearing his doodles, but they are too small and will hurt his feet.

and what
can I possibly do
about that
standing here naked in the kitchen
in the sunshine

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~ by Beeskiffle on December 29, 2007.

7 Responses to “is this the moment i feared for three years”

  1. captivating and moving. well constructed.

  2. Perfectly frightening in its reality, its sense of barely there but very there, the writing is perfectly poised while it communicates a loss of poise, a confusion. Frighteningly real,

  3. I have never ever read anyone like you for expressing such raw raw emotion. It really has shaken me.

  4. Rob read this last night.
    He wants me to say that it wasn’t as early as 6.20, that yet again I am exaggerating. That he would never steal my children and I am trying to paint a bad picture of him. He says he understands that it’s a representation of my feelings, but that it is a wrong representation, and he is not a bad man.
    I would like to agree. He is not a bad man.

  5. Poetry is an expression of the innermost emotions and fears… that is what makes it so powerful – so powerful because it allows us to go deeper into those darkest places and just get it out before it churns us up and turns us into a seething mess. It isn’t a truth or reality… it is an emotion. I write so much when I am feeling vulnerable and it’s like pink elephants in Dumbo… they take on a life of their own. I related to the thoughts in this poem and I could show it to at least four of my friends who I know have had similar fleeting thoughts of panic in this very situation. They are natural and I am grateful that someone as eloquent as you has chosen to write it down so that we don’t feel quite so alone. We know it’s not meant as a judgement of Rob or of you – it is just the most wonderful expression of how most of us feel at some time. I thank you for that.

  6. I love you Narnie.

  7. I’ve truly missed your unique expressions and ways of putting emotions on the page. Your writings are always an inspiration and this is no exception. Its so hard to put those dark emotions and maelstroms within us on the page and time and time again you do it well (for me).

    Btw, i signed up to wordpress yesterday after finding it by accident then I got a bulletin from Narnie on Myspace clicked the link and found out that it was WordPress then found you too. Its like bumping into an old and valued friend outside a cafe.

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